Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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