dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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