he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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