In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
The Olympian is in my bed
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
