So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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