Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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