I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
