I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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