Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
