Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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