man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
