I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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