We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
time to smoke my breakfast
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
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After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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