Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
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His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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I would not recommend douching while drunk.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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