Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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