My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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