god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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