giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
