If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
