I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
