just come out here and I will go home with you...
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
