New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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