wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
