Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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