why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i will never coherently bang her
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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