There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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