my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
