So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
