i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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