According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
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