I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
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