if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
