The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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