I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
