he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
