I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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