He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
