I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
