time to smoke my breakfast
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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