$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
