he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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