I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Too much gin, very little bucket
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Randomize
