i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You've changed since you got that strap on
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
