My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
