I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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