we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
