I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
