Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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