I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
We need a shit load of segways right now
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
