Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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