Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
