please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
