Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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