Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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