I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
