i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
