Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
The beer is more important than you right now.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
